Black Kitty

As many of you know, my house is Wild Kingdom because my backyard is filled with critters galore. In addition to the horrible skunks, we’ve had possums roaming around; raccoons that used our baby pool as their own personal play land, and we also have three cats who think the bushes around our deck are the PERFECT place in which to pee.

I’ve tried snapping pictures of these three stooges, but every time I try to run and get my camera, they’ve vanished. Instead you’ll have to use your imagination.

Culprit #1:
A.K.A. “Peeping Tom”
Favorite pastime: Looking at Molly (our cat) through the deck door. He’s a voyeur and it makes Molly very uncomfortable.

Culprit #2:
A.K.A. “Pee Cat”
Favorite pastimes: Urinating in our bushes at least 10 times a day, marking his territory on every tree in our yard. HELLO Stupid Pee Cat? Can you not tell that the ‘ol Moll-ster doesn’t have her baby making parts anymore? You are meowing up the wrong tree.

Culprit #3:
A.K.A. “Black Kitty”
Favorite pastimes: Sitting on our air conditioner outside the kitchen window, sitting on our front steps, sleeping in our driveway. He thinks he lives here.

Until this point, all three of these feline fools haven’t caused much of an issue around here other than the inconvenient odor they leave when they’ve peed in the bushes. They aren’t scroungy looking strays either. They’re obviously well fed cats who don’t wear collars which means that we can’t find their owners to tell them KEEP YOUR DUMB CATS INSIDE!

The other day; however, we were returning from getting J from school and as we pulled into the driveway Black Kitty sauntered out from behind a tree. Actually, he sort of limped and then he hopped on three legs and then my kids started in with, “WE MUST HELP BLACK KITTY! HE’S HURT! LET’S TAKE HIM TO THE VET AND PAY A SMALL FORTUNE TO HAVE HIM FIXED!!”

I pulled into the garage and told them absolutely not and then they all looked like they were about to cry. So, I got out of the van, pulled on my “Motherhood Cloak of Guilt” and proceeded to walk calmly to Black Kitty. My plan once I got to him? I don’t know. It didn’t matter because then he started to hobble away. I kept walking. He continued to hobble as he was looking over his shoulder at me in fear. So, I started in with a sing-songy voice, “Don’t worry Black Kitty. I won’t hurt you!!!”

At this point he started to run. So I began walking fast down the ice covered street. My children were in the driveway cheering me on. The cat ran faster and then he took off into my neighbor’s yard. I followed as the snow crushed into my Birkenstock clog wearing feet. This chase continued until he disappeared into the bushes. I wasn’t going there.

That evening when Mike got home, I told him about the plight of Black Kitty and how we needed to help him. My husband is a true animal lover. He will literally cry if he sees anything on t.v. about animal cruelty, so I figured he would totally agree with me that we needed to help Black Kitty. Our conversation went like this:

Me: We have to help Black Kitty. I think his paw is broken or something.

Mike: He’s fine.

Me: No, he’s not. He’s limping and it’s sad and I’m worried even though I hate that he thinks he lives here and takes naps in our driveway.

Mike: He’s faking.

Me: He’s FAKING? Are you serious?

Mike: Yes, he’s playing on your sympathy. He’s a con artist.

Me: You are nuts.

The next morning, he went into work later than usual and while the kids and I were upstairs doing our morning routine of straightening up which usually consists of me griping because my oldest son and Mike have both left their underwear behind the bathroom door after their morning showers, O shouts, “BLACK KITTY IS BACK!!! MOMMY GO GET HIM!”

Mike and I rushed into her room to look out her window and sure enough, there he was hobbling down the street and I kid you not, he was hobbling from the tree at the edge of our driveway, in front of our house and would stop at the corner. Then, he turned around and hobbled back in front of our house and stopped at the tree.

Mike said, “See I told you. He’s faking. He knows we’re watching. Ignore him.”

We haven’t seen him in days.

Either he has gone home where he belongs or he’s dead somewhere.

Poor Black Kitty