On behalf of all women

Dear Whoever Makes The Universal Rules For Men,

I have been married to a man for almost 13 years. I have been with the same said man for nearly 16 years and I have some complaints to you, maker of the MAN RULES. Listen up.

If the wife, significant other, possible girlfriend, friend, or helpless female acquaintance should happen to call a man during his lunch hour when he is eating a very casual lunch with co-workers and tell him that the back gate of her nearly new van is not shutting properly again thereby putting her children at risk of flying out or being hit with a flying object that might be sailing through the sky as she drives down the road, the proper response to this information should not be, "I'll call the dealership later and make an appointment."

I ask you, oh maker of the universal rules for men, what is this female supposed to do in the mean time when she need to go somewhere? Should she, as her husband once did, make their four year old son hold it shut by using the rope to his sister's hand-held princess fan?

The correct response to this plea for help by a female should also not be, "Get a screw driver and while you're holding up on the handle, move the latch around until it clicks."

This would be sound advice if the woman were:

A. 7 feet tall or had an arm span that rivaled a jet airplane's wings because it is nearly impossible for a 5' 6" person to do this.

OR

B. Able to understand what "move the latch around until it clicks" means. Does this mean that she should hear a loud click? What if the click isn't a good click? What if she breaks something and she's forced to use the male's vehicle which smells of sweaty shin guards and feet?

And while I'm at it, Mr. Maker of Man Rules, (because I know you are a Mr. and not a Ms. or Mrs.) why must men leave their underwear behind the bathroom door instead of putting them in the dirty clothes?

I don't expect you to answer me because I'm sure you don't know. And really getting you to admit that you don't know something would be a travesty.

Sincerely,

A Woman Who Nearly Beat Her Van To Death With a Screwdriver